The Grass is Always Greener....

For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom.  I wanted to be Donna Reed, or June Cleaver.  I would always have a home cooked meal, fresh baked goods, a tidy home and a kiss for my husband as he walked through the front door.  All while being impeccably groomed and smiling and singing all day long.

And then, I finally got what I always wanted.  I was able to stay at home with Baby R.  And let me tell you, 1950's TV lied to me!!  Don't get me wrong, I love being able to see Baby R grow and learn.  It's the rest of it that drives me crazy!

My house is rarely clean.  As I sit typing this, I have a sink full of dishes, crayons and other miscellaneous toys strewn about my living room floor, chair cushions on the floor of the front room (because where else should they go, says Baby R).  I haven't put makeup on all week, but I DID manage to cook some meals and bake some cookies.  How did these women do it??  How do the millions (?) of other stay at home moms do it?  It is a struggle day to day for me.  I've tried organizing myself.  I gave myself one room to concentrate on per day in the hopes that I would be able to keep them all up.  Problem is, those rooms don't stick to the schedule as to when they get messy!  (How rude!)  I've tried cleaning as I go, but then there is the 15 month-old tornado right behind me every step of the way.  (Oh, you wanted those to stay folded mom??  Silly woman!)  I'm pretty sure checklists won't help because I'll just forget to check them off.

Then there's the guilt.  For the majority of our relationship I was always the breadwinner.  I have now gone from being the breadwinner to contributing nothing financially to our household.  We are struggling financially and I feel immense guilt because I could be working, but I'm not.  I know that if I go back to work, we could be so much better off financially and we could give Baby R so much more.  I also feel like I am missing out socially by not working.  We live in a new place where I know very few people.  Most days the only people I see are Baby R and Papa R.  While I love them both very much, sometimes I just need a break!  And then there comes the guilt again of am I being selfish?  Should I put my child's care in the hands of strangers just because I need some "social time"?  Is it better to provide her with a financially stable life or one where I am her sole caregiver?

Would I be a better mommy to her if I did have more time to myself?  Sometimes I think I would, but then I think about all that I would miss out on if I were stuck behind a desk for 8+ hours a day.  Would she be better off in a daycare environment?  I struggle with this one the most.  I think that this is something she really needs to boost her social skills.  She does so great with other adults, but when she is around other kids her age, she doesn't really interact well.  I feel like putting her in a daycare environment would help her with that.

I guess there really is no right answer here.  Ultimately I need to do what is best for our family.  I just need to figure out what that is....